5 Ways to Stick to Your Parenting Style During the Holidays
December is upon us, and alongside the treats and teacher gifts and ugly sweaters comes my nemesis: The Elf on the Shelf. If you are blessed enough to be unfamiliar, the Elf on the Shelf (created in 2005) ostensibly monitors Christmas-celebrating children on behalf of Santa Claus, nightly returning to the North Pole to report on their behavior. After this journey, the elf returns for the next day’s surveillance and, in some families, engages in shenanigans like wrapping the toilet seat in plastic wrap or making a mess baking in the kitchen. Over my years of parenting and providing therapy, I have seen these scenes become more elaborate, and have even heard tell of exhausted parents dragging themselves out of bed because they forgot to move the elf.
While I dislike the concept of the Elf because it promotes a problematic Santa-as-Stasi idea, I also have a more general reason for being wary of the Elf and his ilk: parents do not need more pressure to be more and do more at the holidays. What started as a cute tradition for a family has ballooned into a multimillion-dollar industry to feed the holiday industrial complex. Especially when we share all of our special moments on social media, the question can quickly become: who am I doing this for, and why?
With that in mind, we wanted to provide you with some ways to go with what works for you at the holidays and leave behind the things that don’t.
5 Ways to Stick to Your Parenting Style during the Holidays
Remember your why:
If you have traditions that are fun or important to you, keep them! If your “why” feels good to you, there’s no reason not to celebrate in the way you want to. But when the why becomes more about following a trend, keeping up with the Joneses, or having that perfect picture to share on social media, take a moment to slow down and reconsider. Ask yourself what its motivating you to engage with a holiday tradition before you decide to start or continue one.
Just say “No”:
Just because something has always been done the same way or because you’ve been asked to do something, doesn’t mean that you have to say yes! We are inundated with requests at this time of the year, and sometimes, we just cannot do it all. It’s OK to change course, and it’s OK to say no.
Don’t let comparisons steal your joy:
If you find yourself drawn into the comparison game, step back and remind yourself why and how what you’re doing works for you and your family. It’s easy to get caught up in what others have going on, but at the end of the day, you are the only one who has to live your life. You know what works for you, your capacity, your kids, your budget, and your life.
“Good for them, not for us”:
Your kids may have questions about why Casey has an elf or the huge stash of presents Taylor gets for Hannukkah. It’s totally normal for kids to notice these differences and have questions about them. And it’s totally OK for you to say “that works for their family, but it’s not right for ours.” Kids are going to have questions about differences of all kinds, and it’s good to be prepared for them, but that doesn’t mean we have to feel bad that our kids notice that their friend gets something that they do not.
Go with your vision of celebrating:
Is there something that you’d like to try or change? Last year, a client told me that instead of running around to family or cooking an enormous meal, her ideal Christmas Day was opening presents with her kids and spending the day in PJs. And guess what? That’s exactly what they did. And it was great.
And let me be clear: if your idea of holiday fun is to deck the halls in 5 million lights, create elaborate scenes with your multiple Elves on Shelves, and have a New Year's Bash to rival that in Times Square, have at it. Some people love nothing more than to go all out celebrating. But if your vision of a holiday season well-spent involves low-key celebrations, movie nights, and naps by the fire (with or without your Elf), go with what works for you. And if you need more help navigating the pressures of the holiday season and staying rooted in your parenting values, reach out for support.